Party City Balloons Are an Art

Dolphin? Engagement ring? Two babies? It's all there

Themes: Pop music where something is wrong, stores, science as party

I really like the part of Pink Pony Club where she screams as her mom in falsetto “God, what have you done?” and then the rest. It’s such a familiar feeling and the vocals give it this amazing release. Great song.

Hello! Wednesday, newsletter day, I’m hopeful I will send this baby out on the same day I start it. Not always the case, but maybe today. I’m having a good morning so far. EJ and I are reading Ender’s Game to each other, and this morning (after he had already gotten up, got the kids ready for school, then climbed back into bed and fell back asleep) we both got up and he asked what I wanted to do and I said I wanted to be read to.

We moved over to the guest bedroom for a little change of scenery, and he read to me. That book is so good, and we’re really flying through it, also things are happening fast. I don’t want to spoil it if you haven’t read it, but also, why haven’t you read it? What are you waiting for? It’s so good. Hurry up already.

We also hooked up briefly, but then I cried and laughed because I realized while we were hooking up, I was thinking about Ruth Wariner, the author and narrator of the audiobook I just finished, The Sound of Gravel. This book is insane, it’s so good. The best memoirs are ones where you leave it thinking, “I didn’t know people could survive stuff like that” and you feel this residual glow of their strength and bravery just *hearing* all the things they did. Down the Drain by Julia Fox, Educated by Tara Westover, and Know My Name by Chanel Miller are some others that fit this category for me.

(Trigger warning, mention of child sexual assault and assault) I was thinking about The Sound of Gravel when we were hooking up because she was molested by her stepfather when she was little and she takes you through it, describing as a child would experience, the sensations and feelings. It’s not graphic in description, like the police or a crime podcast would want, it’s narrative and intimate to her experience. I’m not sure I’ve ever read/heard an account like that in first person of child sexual abuse and it really stuck with me. The book ends with her and her siblings crossing the border out of Mexico into the United States (a lot of polygamist cults set up communes in Mexico and travel back and forth to collect welfare) and leaving her stepfather behind. The last sentence of the book is “that was the first step.” Then there’s an epilogue many years later on her wedding day, describing her siblings all around her, who they’ve become, who she is now, fifteen years later. She thanks them all one by one, names we have grown so familiar with, then there’s one name we don’t know, and that’s her new husband. She talks about he’s the opposite of her stepfather in every way, kind, caring, smart, funny, empathetic. A good person.

I was thinking about how for her to fell comfortable and good having sex with him, she must have had to overcome so much. I was thinking of it and accessing that safety and love. I started Woman of the Hour yesterday, a new Netflix movie directed by and starring Anna Kendrick, about a true story where in the 70’s, a serial killer went on an episode of The Dating Game and won. The woman in real life didn’t end up going on the date with him because he was “creepy” and that I’m sure, saved her life.

The movie is well done, I was curious because I saw some conversations online about how a woman directing a movie about a serial killer is different than a man because she knows what it feels like to be prey, and I have to say that is accurate. I’m not sure if that’s totally the reason why but that movie was unsettling to me in a way I really haven’t encountered before (or recently) that was really upsetting. In trying to talk to EJ about it, I was realizing a couple things.

Anna Kendrick is an aspiring actress in LA, and her agent sends her out on stuff. She studied theatre at Colombia. Her neighbor is also an actor (Pete Holmes) and there’s a scene early on where she’s trying to avoid him in the hall but he invites himself into her apartment, they’ve run lines before she mentions he’s her only friend in LA so far, and they end up going out for a drink.

They’re kind of far away and have been talking, and then he puts his hand on her face, really intimately. It startles her and she’s clearly not into him and laughs nervously. His body language completely changes and he’s now sullen and withdrawn as she’s apologizing explaining she’s had a weird day, he surprised her, etc. Right away this was hard to watch, how she’s now responsible for his emotions after he made her uncomfortable, how his inability to handle rejection becomes threatening to her. Probably not physically, but possibly, but also socially. The next scene is them waking up in bed and it’s clear they’ve slept together.

This, hit. I have had sex with men because I didn’t know how they would handle me saying no, or I didn’t know how to, or it felt like more trouble than just having sex with them. One of if not my worst sexual experience (I think) was this man who I met at a bar, and on the walk home I realized I didn’t want to have sex with him. We were talking and I hated everything he was saying and I changed my mind. But I thought he would be annoyed that he left the bar and ‘walked all this way’ (not very far) and felt that I owed it to him because that’s what it had seemed was happening/I implicitly agreed to earlier. I even sat down on the steps outside my apartment trying to stall because I didn’t want him to go in. But he pressed, and in we went.

He really wanted to eat me out, something I REALLY didn’t want and kept saying no to, despite him asking a lot and persisting. Later I realized I think he wanted me to give him a blowjob and if he went down on me, he would think I should to him. A tit for tat. We had sex and I hated it, then after I went to the bathroom for a long time because I didn’t want him to be there. When I came out he was dressed and sitting on the bed. He left shortly without saying much. It sucked, the whole thing sucked I hated it and him. It’s funny how I’m sure he doesn’t think of that as rape, and I’m sure thinks of himself as a ‘nice guy’ but he didn’t have any respect or regard for me as a person, more as a hole, a means to an end. I hope he breaks his nose.

Something unusual about this portrayal is that shows how close empathy and getting someone to tell you what family they have who would care if they went missing, are. This guy, he seems genuine and nice and asks the women he’s going to kill a lot about themselves and their family, in a way that seems to be nice, but is really to see if they’re safe to kill. They often open up to him and that’s when he switches. It’s really fucked up. There’s so much gendered violence I think you have to oscillate between not thinking about it all/being dismissive, and being consumed.

I am curious if my level of fear around sex is average, high or low compared to most women. It feels really high, but I don’t know what’s going on inside everyone else’s head. I still have trouble relaxing and enjoying sex with my partner of four years, who is the kindest, gentlest, most supportive person I can imagine. And in my memory nothing’s ever happened to me. It feels really intense and confusing, but also statistically makes perfect sense. For women to be scared of sexual assault, it’s an incredibly rational response, women are being sexually assaulted a lot statistically.

* * * * * * *

I got out of the house and stopped thinking about rape! Always good. I’m outside at Wiseman brewery, with EJ and Nicholas, I’m drinking a Mai Tai weed slushy, which tastes so so good and is bright green. My relationship to weed keeps blossoming everyday. EJ has these live resin watermelon gummies he got in Atlanta and I LOVE them, they’re a juicy little cube that makes me happy and present.

I talked in therapy about how weed helps me slow down my emotional reactions and interrupts the pathways time and upbringing have carved out, which feels really good at this time of heightened consciousness and awareness about those patterns. I did Yoga With Adrienne this morning, a 10 minute one about neck, shoulders and back. She is a gift, as always.

Being in North Carolina has been so fun as always, this feels like a little cocoon where I can relax and be warm and where I remember what it feels like to be in a car. Fun! EJ and I did a Don’t Tell Show in a barbershop and I did a new bit where I talk a lot about conspiracy theories. It’s fun to hear new ones, unfortunately a lot of them were just racism, like that Michelle Obama used to be a man, or that aliens built the pyramids. After he and I tried to go to Waffle House and learned that they are carry out only during certain hours of the night, a horrible scam.

We decided to go to IHOP, and proceeded to experience possibly the slowest restaurant experience of all time, but we weren’t frustrated, just leaned in. I was thinking, the amount of time we spent there was mostly average (a little over an hour) but that they were inversing the restaurant experience-usually you order, get your food, then hang out eating and talking, this time we did the social part hungry and got our food at the end, and ate quickly. It’s kind of brilliant, because by the time we got the food we were so hungry and tired, none of the mistakes mattered.

We went to a Halloween themed show, The Greener Side, produced by Nick Ciacia. It was really fun, every act was themed. There was a song by the devil that ended with a Tombstone pizza commercial and him claiming both 3/11 and 9/11. A man trying to get the audience to join a cult, Nosfera-one, the twin of Nosferatu (Nosferatwo) who had a lot to complain about. Some stand up from the moon, and the final act was called Three Brained Robot, a lot of different scenes my favorite of which was a dubstep/slowed down version of Smash Mouth’s “All Star” and “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” where he wore a green mask that looked like both Shrek and The Grinch and kept going back and forth between them.

* * * * * * * *

My weed slushy is kicking in. Now we are at soccer practice, EJ is showing me that life with kids can be fun and nice if people are calm. At the soccer field I met a SILVER lab, a type of dog I didn’t even know existed, named Hank. Kenice Mobley has a great bit about people who give animals human names would have owned slaves (and I agree) but Hank just hits.

EJ and I went to a vintage clothing store to see if it would be good for a show, and Party City to set up for Nora’s Birthday. I was realizing either I’ve never been in a Party City, or not around Halloween, or not high. Something was very new and different. They are doing balloons in there! Like, really doing them in an insane way. Anything could be a balloon. A ring, a glass of champagne, a dog, you think of something. They could make it a balloon.

The party was really fun, they had a company called Mad Science, that uses science to do cool things. We watched a man with purple hair light a 20 dollar bill on fire, make things explode, mix slime the kids can take home, and make cotton candy. There were 4 different kinds of cake all made by Melissa and they were delicious. Funfetti cupcakes and small cake, pumpkin chocolate chip cheesecake with chocolate frosting, and a two tiered black velvet cake with dark chocolate frosting. 8 pizzas from Dominos and a lot of people running around. EJ has a perfect party house, a big entry room, multiple gaming systems, open kitchen, big deck and backyard. It was a really fun party, I didn’t need to hide at all.

EJ can do fires in his backyard and we’ve done that twice this trip, once just he and I after the party, then a Sunday evening and invited some comics and had beers/edibles. Sitting around a fire in a camping chair rekindles (pun intended) a lot of my growing up here and it was so nice. It’s such a warm, nice, feeling. He has this fire pit that’s free standing and pretty bare bones, you can pick it up and move it easily and it has a mesh top to put on but that’s it. It was here when he bought the house but it seems not that expensive. In New York there’s not many places but it feels like if you have any kind of backyard you could do this. EJ reminds me to do stuff I want to/like to and I’m really grateful for that.

EJ and I went to an estate sale! His first one! Even though he wrote a very funny tweet about estate sales a while ago. This was the second day of one so everything was half off, which was amazing. Things were so cheap. I liked a lot of the kitchen stuff, otherwise it was a little religious and frilly for me. But cool to see all in one place. I love estate sales. Seeing someone’s house and things all laid out. It’s really interesting. We didn’t get anything but had fun looking.

We have been having amazing food, especially a new sandwich placed called Theodore’s, tucked in the back of Reynolds Gardens. EJ and I both got a toasted sandwich on local sourdough with melted brie, pear and fig jam. It was delicious, I also got a side of homemade tomato soup. Heaven.

I early voted and saw my dad. I wasn’t going to vote because it feels like genocide is where I draw the line at giving support, but my friend Gabe (who I love, trust, respect and has been an organizer for a long time) reoriented my thinking to not a sign of support but a strategic move, just picking the landscape for the rest of the political struggles for the next four years. It’s something I’ve seen before, the amount of fires needed to be put out in active fascism rather than whatever the democrats are doing, usurps energy from larger fights we need to be having. I respect what anyone does, I have been very snarky in Facebook statuses past about people who don’t vote or vote third party, both of which I thought at times I would do this election. I think there’s no good choice because the state of things sucks.

There’s no vote I could make that would make the world closer to what I want it to be. There are just strategies to try to make it closer, and people have different opinions on what works better. Not voting as strategy is to demonstrate to the Democratic candidates if they want to be elected they need to move further left, and listening to popular votes for the party lines rather than their conservative donors. Voting third party is a different way to do this, also to give support to people who you agree with more. Who have progressive policies that echo the ideas we share. This feels better, but in a system designed to do one thing, it often can feel like this is a throwaway that doesn’t matter. I think it matters if it means something to you. (I clearly don’t feel very strongly, I oscillate between all of these all the time. I just made a choice but I think they all make sense and could be right). I just voted because even though I think the parties are the same on a lot of things I care about (stop arming Israel, a ceasefire) they differ on other issues that matter locally and internationally. Gabe mentioned another term, an accelerationist, someone who thinks it’s got to get worse for it to get better so they want to speed up the getting worse to push through to the better, something I have identified with or at least understood at times.

Having a conversation with EJ and Gabe, both who felt I should vote convinced me. Also Gabe sending me videos on Tik Tok and letting me ask him questions about them. Political growth is a strange process. I’m still very much in flux. EJ early voted this week too! Feels good in North Carolina.

I have been in many stores: Target, Trader Joe’s, Sephora, a pet store, Harris Teeter, and more. When you have a car, you can really go places. And a lot of places are stores. We also went to West End Cafe, a new restaurant where the chicken strips, fries, red pepper and smoked gouda bisque were good but my pasta and EJ’s burger were terrible. The real draw was a lily pond outside the restaurant with koi fish and Halloween decorations. Three of EJ’s fish are sick and we got them medicine. The medical term for the illness they have is “ick” which is so funny because I associate that word with hot British people on Love Island. Getting the ick for humans means you’ve seen something cringe-y you can’t unsee and it’s ruined the burgeoning romance you once had. For fish it’s a scale infection and there’s medicine.

I just discovered a YouTube video that’s the entire Dirt Femme album by Tove Lo, a Swedish singer/songwriter I love. I love her music and visuals and lyrics. She has a song called No One Dies From Love which has a Sci Fi Musical Love Story music video, and Grapefruit is another great one. There are so many. Pop music from a dark scary place is my whole vibe and wow does she get it. Pop music where something is wrong. Almost Haunted Pop but not quite. This is a genre I could spend the rest of my life exploring and never get tired. Night Call by Kavinsky fits, Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens sped up is another great example. If you have any recs that feel like they fit in this category, please let me know.

I also started watching the new animated Harley Quinn show because I didn’t realize Kite Man: Hell Yeah! was a spinoff from that. It’s fun so far, better than EJ was expecting, and each episode is like 20 minutes which is so nice. I finally finished How to Be a Latin Lover, a great comedy with a lot of heart and a great premise.

I want to finish this tonight, so this is where we end. I got an article accepted into McSweeney’s! It’s going to be out in a couple of weeks I think. Some pictures:

Thank you for reading! I feel like I should read through it but I don’t want to. Hope it’s good!

Julie