Memorial Day Secrets
Sssssh! C'mere
Memorial Day! What is it? Is it Labor Day? You might be asking. No, it’s something different! “Isn’t that the holiday to honor people who died in war so that the government doesn’t have to take care of veterans?” Yes, but it’s so much more than that!
This elusive holiday, which started after the Civil War, is a time to honor, remember, and save 150 dollars on a Dyson vacuum! What better way to honor the dead than with commercial savings? This may seem callous and shitty but it’s actually an homage to the deeper meaning of this holiday which is shrouded in secrets and lore. Memorial Day is yes, a time to fly the flag and buy a TV, but just like there is a secret menu at Taco Bell, American Holidays have secret celebrations happening all around you. They tell you about the sales, but they won’t tell you about these. Only I will! So here are some Memorial Day secrets:
All adoption fees for dogs named Rufus are waived
If you win a fist fight in an Old Navy parking lot, someone who survived the Gulf War gives you a high five
Shoplifting is okay but only for hot dogs. NOT buns!!!
Flying a flag at half mast on a boat means that everyone who passes you HAS to give you a Budweiser. If they don’t, you’re allowed to key their car
