Care Bears Are The Ultimate Consciousness

They're multi-colored bears who love

Themes: Letting other people have emotions without taking them on, sensate touch, passionfruit juice, IKEA, skeeball

Hello!!! I'm happy as a clam because EJ is visiting!!! He’s here! I can touch him!! Just did, felt great.

We’ve been having such a nice time, this visit has been peppered with shows re-imagining historical figures EJ realized! First we saw Oh Mary! with Betty Gilpin, I was a little disappointed because I saw Cole Escola do it and I thought she was going to do something, and it felt like she was doing her best impression of them, but the role kind of requires similar bold choices and I think I wasn’t totally being fair to her. But EJ liked it a lot, and there were these photos hanging all around the theatre with fake quotes from her that were hilarious. And the audience loved it, so I think she did a great job. Now I want to see it a THIRD time because Titus Burgess is going to play the role for three weeks only and of course I want to see!

When I saw it the first time it was in a much smaller theatre and not on Broadway yet. Now it’s in a huge theatre and we were wayyyy up in the balcony, a really different viewing experience. We also didn’t get to sit next to each other because we went to the bathroom and got seated at different times when it was already dark, and there were two women in between us. The usher seemed flustered.

Afterwards we walked to Times Square which was as dead as I’ve ever seen it, and sat on the red steps. Then we were heading to a Gelateria that I think was another location of one we went to in Italy, but got sidetracked on the way by beautiful looking stuffed doughnuts, and in a true Times Square learning moment, were a huge let down. There are some locations where the food doesn’t have to be good because no one there is coming back. No one’s local bakery is in Times Square, it’s all tourists who are in and out and gone. They just need to look enticing to get people to buy them once, and we did. We got a Nutella filled doughnut, which feels unfuckupable but alas, they figured out a way. The pastry part was a little dry and hard, the Nutella was frozen and a very small amount. Then we realized we were freezing and didn’t want to walk away from Brooklyn for 15 more minutes then go home, we wanted to go home right now. So we did!

I had a very difficult but enlightening therapy session this morning where we uncovered the deep sense of shame I experience when someone is mad at me, or when I even think they might be. Growing up, my parents didn’t explain to me when they were mad, they would just act cold and I was supposed to figure out what I did and apologize or correct. So now, I’m hyper vigilant for signs that someone is mad at me because a. it feels like my job to know and b. feels scary and like a lot could go wrong if they are and I don’t know/change whatever it is.

But we talked about how to work on letting people have their emotions without taking them on myself-so if someone is mad at me, that’s okay and it’s not the end of the world, but also that I don’t have to be a mindreader and it’s okay to let other people figure out how to deal with their feelings. Trying to avoid this shame leads me to either try to people please or shut down when I sense that something is off. It’s also making me jump way ahead in my mind in a situation because someone could be off and I sense that, but it could have nothing to do with me, they could be annoyed at something else or tired or in a bad mood, and speaking to me with hints of that but it’s not about me at all. Or they could be annoyed/mad at me about something minor that they resolve or goes away without any need for communication on my part.

Or they could be really mad at me and we talk about it and I lose that friendship (biggest fear) but that’s part of life and part of having relationships. Also I think I am holding the pain of all the earlier times of this, so like for example when someone seems frustrated with me at work, I immediately fear I’m going to be fired, as if they’re at the end of their rope, but it could be the first time and they might not even be mad.

This has shown up in sex a lot I’m realizing, I think in maybe all my sexual encounters outside of EJ, with very very few exceptions, where because I don’t want anyone to be mad at me, I ignore my discomfort and go along with things out of a fear/avoidance of conflict. This is, honestly devastating to realize, because I’m sad for myself that that’s been the case for so long and that I felt that way. Sex should be fun and I don’t think it really ever has for me-not never, but incredibly rarely.

So my therapist recommended this thing called Sensate Touch, which is a form of sex and intimacy therapy, where you remove the pressure or goals from interaction, so you’re not working up to something like penetrative sex or orgasm, and there are different stages you explore together. So the first one is one person is the toucher and one person is the receiver, with genitals and sex organs off the table (ideally you’re naked for skin to skin contact but you don’t have to be) and both of you are totally focused on sensation-the receiver can share if something is uncomfortable but other than that, their pleasure is not a priority or even interest. The tougher is focusing on all the different textures of skin-how the elbow is different from the thighs and toes and knees-also playing with speed and pressure, how does it feel to do slow hard touch or slow light touch, and all the variations in between. Then you switch. It’s supposed to be between 10-30 minutes, you want to do it long enough that you can have a few minutes to get over the initial strangeness and just relax into the exercise, but not too long that either person is getting sleepy or bored.

Then you can do one that includes the sex organs but again with no focus or goal of arousal, 3rd you can add lotion, 4th there’s a mutual touching and finally the 5th, sensual intercourse which incorporates penetration but the focus is still on sensation rather than outcome. The goal is to interrupt the patterns that people fall into with intimacy, when it becomes rote and you’re going through a checklist, or in my case when you’re so in your head worrying about outcome you become an observer instead of a participant.

We’ve been doing it while he’s here and it’s the best hooking up has ever felt to me, I’m so present/in the moment, just enjoying what’s happening-it’s really hot and fun. Then I got worried we wouldn’t get to penetrative sex by the end of the visit and worried EJ would be mad at me, or feel frustrated, and I cried about that in therapy. But my therapist gently reminded me that the goal of sensate touch is releasing those kinds of pressures and I checked in with EJ and he reassured me that he was enjoying what was happening and is here with me. Tough stuff.

The second play that reimagined a historical figure was a one person show from a clown about Vincent Van Gogh called Van Gogh Shogh, which was free and honestly I just got tickets to because of the title, which I thought was funny. We saw that last night, it had highs and lows, overall it was ambitious and interesting, but at times boring or uncomfortable. The performer, a clown called Donna Oblongata, entered as Vincent Van Gogh who was a grub hub delivery driver looking for Kevin. Seeing their paintings projected, he got excited asking if people knew they were his, and asking why people were there. He launched into an explanation about art and his life, sharing images and jokes about them, giving the potatoes in Still Life with Potatoes backstory and motivation, dreams and fears. He invited six people onstage to learn to paint, and instructed them all to paint their own Starry Nights.

The show culminated in a live auction for the just painted pieces-which ranged from canvas, to a baby or dog onesie, to a tote bag. Then he sang karaoke to Meatloaf’s, I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) with another audience participant while two spotlights, bubble machines and confetti went off. That part was visually versus striking and the height of the show for me.

The auction felt a little uncomfortable, and the on stage participants were a little drunk which Vincent/Donna didn’t seem prepared for or know how to address. As a comic, I’m used to people only inviting audience interaction if they know how to maintain control so to speak and this felt a little off the rails. But it is really fun to see something so unique and different, and there were many successful moments, and I think it was the first night, so I’m curious how different it would be by the end of the run (Feb 6-9).

After the show we were really close to Kellogg’s Diner and I hadn’t been since they re-opened under new management but with the same name. I told EJ about it and we decided to check it out. We got steak nachos with refried beans, pickled jalapeños and melted cheese and split a stack of ricotta pancakes with maple syrup. I also got an espresso martini because I had never had one and I was curious, it was delicious but I accidentally ate the coffee beans that come as the garnish and they were so bitter and disgusting I had to go into the bathroom to spit them out and rinse out my mouth. I hate coffee-which you’d think would preclude me from liking the drink but not the case.

We had a really good day before the play too, I went to my DBT group in Chelsea and EJ settled into a coffeeshop in the same area a little before so he could remote teach his class. We both got everything croissants with herbed cream cheese in the middle baked until warm which were delicious, and split a white chocolate oatmeal cookie which I was surprised I had never seen combined anywhere before because they’re such popular flavors. I also got a chai tea and EJ got a black coffee. I went to DBT then met him back at the coffee shop (Yanni’s, which was lovely).

There’s a dim sum/dumpling place nearby that I discovered last week I wanted to show him, so we made our way over (a 13 min walk) despite EJ not being that hungry. On the way we found and stopped into Craft + Carry, a chain craft beer spot’s Chelsea location. I had never been to one and didn’t know what to expect but it was AMAZING. There was a FREE skeeball machine, simply unheard of in New York, the beer selection was excellent, the bathroom was so cool a decoupaged scene of 80’s blaxploitation and horror movies, a Where’s Waldo ceiling, really fun 80’s-90’s songs playing, and multiple TV’s with Taken 3, Star Wars, and Top Secret, playing.

We were the only ones in there so I felt safe to unmask, I got a hibiscus gose 3x, EJ tried a spruce beer, a hazy ipa and a milk stout, we also got a sour IPA to go, something neither of us had ever heard of. Day drinking can be so fun if conditions are perfect, and lucky for us, they were. Then we went to the restaurant (Excellent Dumpling House) and EJ’s friend Jeff met up with us. We shared soup dumplings (crabmeat & pork), wontons (pork in a spicy peanut sauce), Chinese broccoli, honey B.B.Q ribs, and an order of scallion pancakes which came in triangles with a dipping sauce. Everything was delicious and it was relatively cheap. Two different people recognized me from last week which was such a nice feeling, it’s so warm feeling when you’re remembered or known. I think having a shaved head and wearing a mask makes me stand out more, and that’s one nice thing about that!

Since the last newsletter I attended a really fun dance class with Molly, there’s a woman who teaches a bunch of them, a Broadway one, a ballet one, this one is called Thirteen because it’s supposed to feel like when you’re a kid performing for your parents in the living room. Really fun, low stakes and free.

She choreographs a dance to 2 minutes of a song that changes every time, this class’ was Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos, a song I wasn’t familiar with before but loved. We did a warmup with ribbons and movement, there was such an emphasis on just being in your body, not thinking about being perceived or judged which was so lovely and unfortunately felt new to me in spaces like this.

Then she jumps in and you go over the moves but with a lot of room for modification and again, no emphasis on being ‘right’ just having fun and being in the moment with yourself. A common theme it seems like!!! Then at the end you split up into two groups and get someone from the group not performing to film you, as a parent would, zooming in only on you. Everyone does that twice so you leave with two videos of yourself dancing, playing, having fun. I really loved the class and environment, it was so fun and free feeling, I’m really happy I was open to going, I think in the very recent past I wouldn’t have because I would have worried I couldn’t keep up or would be bad or struggling and I wouldn’t have wanted to do that in front of people I didn’t know.

I think what I’m confronting in Jiu Jitsu and this is letting go of trying to control how other people are seeing me, and just being present in my body for physical things and listening to my own cues for how it feels, or what my limits/pace are. Taking an edible and going to the gym has been so helpful in this practice, I highly recommend but definitely an indica.

I also went to a queer open mat jiu jitsu event this week which was incredible. There’s a person who facilitates queer fight club, to empower queer folks to learn how to defend themselves which is feeling unfortunately, more and more necessary. It was at Jade Fortress martial arts, which I had never been to and I had a lot of fun. I rolled with 5 people which felt really nice and I saw people with my body type, in masks, more experienced than me, newer than me, a whole range and everyone was so inviting and open. It helped me visualize what jiu jitsu could look like for me, and what I can look like with jiu jitsu.

At my gym which I do think is trying hard to be inclusive, often I am still the only woman, or fat person, or masked person and it’s hard not to other yourself or protect insecurities onto differences especially when you’re new and learning something. I think something I’m overly aware of in a negative way is how I appear to other people and so if I’m doing something and struggling and there is a difference, I worry people are going to attribute it to that-like women are weak or fat people are weak, but it’s not really my business if they’re thinking that and I don’t have to carry the burden of their stereotypes even if they are. Which is hard to feel/remember in the moment, but I’m working on. I met a person named Michael who said, “Jiu Jitsu doesn’t belong to one group of people” and “You’ll find your story” which made me cry :)

Then another person from the event drove me to the gym because we discovered we got to the same gym (Blink) and we were both going to work out after this. That was really fun because they (Xander) are into a kind of chanting I don’t remember the name of but were playing me Indian chanting music and contemporary chant music and it was really cool. They had an alter in their car with flowers and figures and stones, it was a fun experience. They let me hit their vape (mango, weed) before because I told them I’ve been enjoying working out high but I forgot to bring edibles with me. It was a really lovely sequence of events that I’m glad I let happen.

It snowed here, which was funny. Talking to EJ I know it was 70 in North Carolina this week and we were getting snow. But at least that feels like what it should be, it freaks me out when it’s snowing in North Carolina and not here, or it’s just as cold in both places. The day it snowed, I learned because I took an edible and did my laundry which I was sooooo proud of myself for doing, it was a lot of laundry and I did it late at night and I was tired! (I know it sounds like I am taking edibles all the time, and I definitely am, but know there are a lot of stretches that pass unnoticed because writing “And then I watched tv sober for 6 hours” feels uninteresting/unimportant to write. But they are there!).

The day before EJ got here I took myself on a field trip to IKEA (sober!!!) which was incredible because it was on a Tuesday, which I didn’t know but is the day when the cafeteria is half off, so I got a plate and side all for like 7.50 instead of double that. Then I got to wander around for a long time, contemplating what my life would be like if I had more pans, or a shelf, or a big flower vase. I will say, the prices and quality seemed to be higher and lower respectively, than I remember or would want. Everything seemed to be a little more expensive and a little more shitty than I remembered which was sad.

I ended up getting a standing shelf for my record player, spoons and forks (I have been living in a one spoon home for MONTHS), picture frames for two prints that have been waiting on a shelf for their turn in the sun, fun colored hard plastic glasses for Nora to play with, and the creme de la creme, a GREENHOUSE. It’s tiny and big at the same time. There was a smaller one that was maybe a foot, and this one is I think two feet. It’s stunning and I couldn’t leave it. I am unclear where I will put it, I do have a shelf I could hang (have EJ help me hang while he’s here) and it could go on that, or my mantle, or some places in my room where there’s other stuff. I’ll figure it out, it was too special to leave. I also got mesh bins that go under the bed for clothing storage, which I desperately needed.

My room is a work in progress, I still need someone to come clean my couch because I learned that the material it is (viscose) you’re not supposed to use water on, lol, and the cushions don’t detach. Why you would make a couch out of an unwashable white fabric, eludes me, but the couch was free and spending the money to clean it then take care of it feels fine to me. But someone alive spent close to 2,000 dollars on this couch and that is not a decision I would make. I know the price because I chatted with their helpline and sent a picture of the piece I have and the helper identified it.

Then I put together some of the IKEA stuff while watching the Bachelor (sober!!!) while EJ’s plane landed at the airport! Usually I meet him there but he told me to stat so I could do my room stuff and catch up on Severence. We watched season 1 together in London and season 2 just came out, like 2 years later but we forgot everything from season 1 so we’re working our way through again. It’s so good. God bless Ben Stiller. I’m also watching The Traitors and Love Island All Stars, very different, but still good.

Before going to Oh Mary! EJ and I visited a holiday popup in Bryant Park with an ice skating rink, stalls, and pretty lanterns/lights. We split a cheesy pasta bowl made in a wheel of cheese, and tofu bao and veggie spring rolls and a four dollar bottle of water. It was really nice/fun.

Now we are sitting doing some work at a cafe near my house, we got avocado toast with a poached egg and chili flakes, and split a stack of chocolate chip pancakes. I am having a passionfruit juice and they are playing Frank Ocean. It’s so nice! We have a culture pass reservation for the Met later today, and I need to get my rent out and pay it. I thought the stock market was going to crash (kind of still do) and wondered if I should take all my money out of my Fidelity account my grandma left me when she died. It’s not that much but to me it’s a lot and losing it would be devastating. We shall see.

I think I am doing a good job and growing a lot, between therapy, jiu jitsu, the DBT group and just life in general. Something my therapist helped me see today is that instead of getting stuck in a loop of sadness about things in the past that didn’t happen the way I would have wanted, I can use those moments to reassure and connect with my inner child now, sending them the love, support, kindness and patience they deserved then and now. I can be a safe person to myself-let myself know I won’t get mad if they/I make a mistake, and I will always love and have patience and kindness in how I regard them. Which means then I have to do that, which is part of healing. So that’s nice to know and have as a little plan for those tough moments.

Last week I wrote about money and figuring that out and my friend Ariel suggested including my Venmo in the newsletter and of all the options that one felt the best. So I will include my Venmo in my sign off and you can send whatever you want!! Nothing, a little each time, a bigger lump sum occasionally, 50 dollars every week, whatever you want that would feel good to you. My Venmo is @Julie-Mitchell and my profile pic is two smiling white women. In searching and trying to make sure what comes up is clear, I see that I am the only Julie-Mitchell without numbers!! There are so many other Julie Mitchell’s with numbers. Yet again a sign that I am a trailblazer, and a trend setter in the know, I knew about Venmo soon and I got in there! The original Julie in a sea of other Julie’s. The original! And all I ask is that in the subject line for the money, please put your favorite emojis, I like to see the different ones.

Speaking of money, I became a Patreon subscriber for the first time this week to NoName’s Book Club that sends books to people who are incarcerated. She has tiers for 1 or 2 dollars a month going up to 10 dollars a month. She put out a call for support on Instagram because the cost was too much for just her and they were in danger of having to close the project. She has now made enough to ‘keep the lights on’ but they have a waiting list of over 300 people and growing. It’s such beautiful important work and someone is already doing it and this is a really great chance to help support it with almost no thought. I joined at 2 dollars a month because that feels feasible to me at this time. I encourage you to look into joining if you have the capacity.

Lastly, I learned this week there are SEVEN Bring It On movies in total, a shock for me personally, who at most knew about three. They also get progressively more unhinged and funny in their titles- the full list is as follows:

• Bring It On (2000)

• Bring It On Again (2004)

• Bring It On: All or Nothing (2006)

• Bring It On: In It to Win It (2007)

• Bring It On: Fight to the Finish (2009)

• Bring It On: Worldwide Cheersmack (2017)

• Bring It On: Cheer or Die (2022)

And if you’re wondering, yes, the last one is a slasher comedy. We’ve come a long way.

In other exciting media news, I learned about an album called Plantasia, that is an electronic album from Mort Garson in 1976, “music for plants and the people that love them” it’s so incredible and beautiful. It was originally given away to people who shopped at a mattress store with purchases, but then almost was totally lost, then someone uploaded a copy of it online and it exploded in a resurgence of popularity and now has had a reprinting maybe a few times. I want to get it on vinyl (a green record) and play it for my plants. I’ve already played them the YouTube video and they loved it. I also keep listening to it because it’s so beautiful.

I got a hyacinth bulb (blue) from Trader Joe’s in water and it bloomed this week. Not only is it gorgeous, but that smell is so nostalgic for me because we had them growing at my house. They were 3.49! A great deal.

Also I got a new Care Bears calendar and it’s so pretty and calming. Love those bears. Some pictures:

Thanks for being here!!!!

Julie